After yet another episode of an over-involved nosy stranger giving parenting advice and a long chat with a good friend I have come to realize that when it comes to motherhood, I am my own worst enemy. To vent, I decided to write this letter:
Dear mom whom I met today at the at the mall,
I would like you to understand a little about me so you can see why your actions upset me so much. When it comes to motherhood, I am my own worst enemy. I have never been this under-confident in my life over anything I have ever done. I feel inadequate every day, maybe you do too, maybe that's why you feel the need to correct others, to make yourself feel better, to pat yourself on the back because of that one thing you are doing right? But why oh why would you need to tear down another to do it?
It seems to me that every day a mother has so many forces in her life telling her that she is not good enough. Academia tells us we are wasting our education by staying at home, while other stay-at-home mom's often judge those who choose to work. Social media tells us we're not glamorous enough, our kids don't dress well enough, we don't teach them enough, and they don't eat well enough. Religion tells us, as women, and especially mothers, we have a specific role and not to overstep our bounds. Often our mom friends judge us for wanting to go back to school, or for sending our kids to preschool. Sometimes even our husband's wonder what could be so difficult about "looking after the kids" all day and are confused as to why we are so grouchy when they get home. The world is constantly baffled by the flustered mother who doesn't have time for herself, but yet, what could she possibly be doing all day, at home?
So what I am telling you, random mall stranger, is that despite all of this outside noise, nothing can compare to how hard I am on myself. And that is the reason your comments upset me, everything you said today re-affirmed to me in that moment what I was already thinking, what I think at some point every day, that, try as I might, I am just not cutting it. Your unwarranted opinions reaffirmed to me that I am not good enough, that in fact I am just pretending to know what I am doing and you caught me out, you saw the real me and exposed it.
Thus, a friendly suggestion. Next time you are at the mall and you see me, an unsettled mom, chasing after my kids and pretending to know what I'm doing, you could (instead of yelling at my child and scolding me with your best parenting advice) give me an encouraging smile, for example. If you really must say something, you could try something like, "I know what you're going though" or something more specific like "wow, he's going to be a sprinter" or just the good old fall-back "you've got your hands full!" I love that one, hear it all the time. But if however you really do have everything figured out and cannot relate to me in any way possible, then simply bask in the glory of your awesomeness and say nothing.
Yours truly, one flustered, irritated mom.
OK. Now I feel better :)
