Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Motherhood & My Own Worst Enemy.
After yet another episode of an over-involved nosy stranger giving parenting advice and a long chat with a good friend I have come to realize that when it comes to motherhood, I am my own worst enemy. To vent, I decided to write this letter:
Dear mom whom I met today at the at the mall,
I would like you to understand a little about me so you can see why your actions upset me so much. When it comes to motherhood, I am my own worst enemy. I have never been this under-confident in my life over anything I have ever done. I feel inadequate every day, maybe you do too, maybe that's why you feel the need to correct others, to make yourself feel better, to pat yourself on the back because of that one thing you are doing right? But why oh why would you need to tear down another to do it?
It seems to me that every day a mother has so many forces in her life telling her that she is not good enough. Academia tells us we are wasting our education by staying at home, while other stay-at-home mom's often judge those who choose to work. Social media tells us we're not glamorous enough, our kids don't dress well enough, we don't teach them enough, and they don't eat well enough. Religion tells us, as women, and especially mothers, we have a specific role and not to overstep our bounds. Often our mom friends judge us for wanting to go back to school, or for sending our kids to preschool. Sometimes even our husband's wonder what could be so difficult about "looking after the kids" all day and are confused as to why we are so grouchy when they get home. The world is constantly baffled by the flustered mother who doesn't have time for herself, but yet, what could she possibly be doing all day, at home?
So what I am telling you, random mall stranger, is that despite all of this outside noise, nothing can compare to how hard I am on myself. And that is the reason your comments upset me, everything you said today re-affirmed to me in that moment what I was already thinking, what I think at some point every day, that, try as I might, I am just not cutting it. Your unwarranted opinions reaffirmed to me that I am not good enough, that in fact I am just pretending to know what I am doing and you caught me out, you saw the real me and exposed it.
Thus, a friendly suggestion. Next time you are at the mall and you see me, an unsettled mom, chasing after my kids and pretending to know what I'm doing, you could (instead of yelling at my child and scolding me with your best parenting advice) give me an encouraging smile, for example. If you really must say something, you could try something like, "I know what you're going though" or something more specific like "wow, he's going to be a sprinter" or just the good old fall-back "you've got your hands full!" I love that one, hear it all the time. But if however you really do have everything figured out and cannot relate to me in any way possible, then simply bask in the glory of your awesomeness and say nothing.
Yours truly, one flustered, irritated mom.
OK. Now I feel better :)
Dear mom whom I met today at the at the mall,
I would like you to understand a little about me so you can see why your actions upset me so much. When it comes to motherhood, I am my own worst enemy. I have never been this under-confident in my life over anything I have ever done. I feel inadequate every day, maybe you do too, maybe that's why you feel the need to correct others, to make yourself feel better, to pat yourself on the back because of that one thing you are doing right? But why oh why would you need to tear down another to do it?
It seems to me that every day a mother has so many forces in her life telling her that she is not good enough. Academia tells us we are wasting our education by staying at home, while other stay-at-home mom's often judge those who choose to work. Social media tells us we're not glamorous enough, our kids don't dress well enough, we don't teach them enough, and they don't eat well enough. Religion tells us, as women, and especially mothers, we have a specific role and not to overstep our bounds. Often our mom friends judge us for wanting to go back to school, or for sending our kids to preschool. Sometimes even our husband's wonder what could be so difficult about "looking after the kids" all day and are confused as to why we are so grouchy when they get home. The world is constantly baffled by the flustered mother who doesn't have time for herself, but yet, what could she possibly be doing all day, at home?
So what I am telling you, random mall stranger, is that despite all of this outside noise, nothing can compare to how hard I am on myself. And that is the reason your comments upset me, everything you said today re-affirmed to me in that moment what I was already thinking, what I think at some point every day, that, try as I might, I am just not cutting it. Your unwarranted opinions reaffirmed to me that I am not good enough, that in fact I am just pretending to know what I am doing and you caught me out, you saw the real me and exposed it.
Thus, a friendly suggestion. Next time you are at the mall and you see me, an unsettled mom, chasing after my kids and pretending to know what I'm doing, you could (instead of yelling at my child and scolding me with your best parenting advice) give me an encouraging smile, for example. If you really must say something, you could try something like, "I know what you're going though" or something more specific like "wow, he's going to be a sprinter" or just the good old fall-back "you've got your hands full!" I love that one, hear it all the time. But if however you really do have everything figured out and cannot relate to me in any way possible, then simply bask in the glory of your awesomeness and say nothing.
Yours truly, one flustered, irritated mom.
OK. Now I feel better :)
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Manning Up
Well, crap. Thursday morning, Oli decides he wants to wear a green shirt, not the green shirt we just got for him, one that JJ spilled chocolate milk on yesterday and keeps crying. Oli then can't live without his "54" jacket, which of course is already in the car but he can't understand in his stupor of consciousness because he was up late watching me play the Wii...I kind of knew, but hoped he'd just pass out...he did NOT, and therefore cries/whines for several minutes. Earlier, midnight rolls around and both boys were in my bed, and I was not having that. As I carry JJ to bed he cries, as I carry Oli to bed he yells until he falls asleep 30 min later.
Fast forward. It's Friday, both kids at school I have a big mess to clean up. No problem, not a big deal, easy work. Here's the thing though, it's cool the first 10 times you pick up shorts. It's okay the first 5 times you pick up empty capri sun's, heck I'm a man, I contribute to the refuse on the floor. But seriously Oli you left cereal all over the seat, seriously JJ you peed yourself and left the leftovers ON my bed? WT...Within 2 days it wasn't cool anymore. By today (Saturday) I have grown restless of the same messes I have had to go over again and again and again. It never ends. And like the guy that I am, I just leave it for a bit, but then the boys go crazy in that element. I noticed if I clean it up they are more subdued, why? No idea. Maybe mom's know that and just never say anything. Women tend to make mountains out of molehills, but my boys can multiply many molehills pretty damn quickly. Think I'm gearing up to apologize? No. That would be too easy. I will say that I get it now however.
Oli and JJ climbed a rock in the park and both stayed up for several minutes as I refused to get them down. JJ finally jumped to me. Oli eventually fell/slid off.
The problem is, that if kids stay up late, they don't sleep in. They get up at usual time of 7:15 (not including the sleep walk into my bed at 3) and are complete tool bags all morning and afternoon till they have that late nap and are bearable again...but then they aren't tired until after 11pm (vicious cycle really).
So after a day involving 2 parks, 1 playplace, a few hours of Mario Galaxy and 1 nap the boys were calm. We started making cinnamon rolls and during that span JJ fell off the couch, Oli spilled a bowl of pecans, JJ spilled his PB&J all over the table and floor. Oli was crying for corn dogs, tater tots, the i-pad, and that went on. JJ kept opening the fridge obsessed with eggs as if they were novel and an excellent toy to play with. I could be the fun dad and make a mess with them, or throw them outside...but if I do that, then it's a free-for-all and the game won't stop. Redirect time! JJ finds his way back when my back is turned.
Are they ready? Are they ready? Are they ready? No Oli. Are they ready? Are they read-NOOOO! Oli is still asking questions about everything. Dad, what letter does ball start with? My trick, is to ask him the same question, sometimes works, sometimes leads to more questions. As I made this illegal recipe from a place that rhymes with Sin-a-ton, I re-lived the last few days to realize how long Ally has dealt with worrying about the cleanliness, order, and entertainment of the boys while I am busting my brain over theoretical and statistical analyses about boring theory and statistics. I thought Al and I had a 50/50 thing going, but really, it's 25/75 with cleaning at best. Sorry Al. Will that change?....let's just say that I'm scared for some sanity if they keep bringing it like this. I'd be happy to keep it at 25/75 and be in charge of school drop off's, whatever we do, by a fortnight I may have developed much improved habits though. So in the event of any perfected qualities I may have, please take notice and enjoy it.
But credit to the boys' timing. After I yelled at them a bit for fighting and dumping out the dirty laundry to play with the basket (who does that by the way?) they sat and were silent. Perfect timing to try my pirated desert. It's good too. Kids were being quiet and still. I think they could sense I needed 5, so they gave me 3 and fought over the corn dog you see in Oli's hand, of which was not consumed by either. 95% of the time, we are crazy. 5% of the time I couldn't be happier. But it's worth it. How on earth does that make sense?
Monday, February 11, 2013
Fall Family Pics 2012
We had our good friend take some family pictures for us in the Fall (2012). So here they are:
Mr and Mrs.
Almost 6 years (in this pic).
Our big boy Oliver, age 4. What a grown-up.
All FOUR of them. These three boys are so lucky they don't even realise.
They have the most loving Daddy in the world.
Not the most flattering picture but it represents our family really well!
I'm so in love with this baby boy can you tell?
This picture is absolutely darling. I love love Eli's face,
and the fact that Oli has his arm around him.
(We couldn't get JJ to cooperate long enough to stay in the pic with his brothers).
Just the five of us :)
Sunday, February 10, 2013
A New Resolve
Finally! I am posting. Except that I wrote this post about 6 months ago and never finished it! I'll admit I had forgotten what our blogspot address was. My Nan skyped me today and it reminded me that there are people at home I don't get to talk to very much and who love these updates. So Nan, I'm going to do a better job, and if you're the only one that reads this, then its OK!
So here's that blog post I started 6 months ago, there'll be lots more to come!
August 2012
These last few months have been crazy, to say the least. Tim successfully proposed his thesis on cyberbullying, I'll post the title later, it's long. And he had his work accepted into a conference in Chicago (which we're both flying to in November), AND he submitted a chapter for a book on cyberbulling that was accepted. After December you can call him "Master Tim." I'm really proud of him, he's been working really hard. Being in school and having kids is not easy, but we're getting there.
We've had a really fun rest of the summer with some crazy things happening and sad things too. We got the boys a pool to go in the back garden and they LOVED it, I don't know why we didn't get one sooner!
We also had our trampoline ruined in a crazy Lubbock storm. The wind was so intense it bent the tramp in half. I am still in awe when I look at this picture. Tim also showed his heroics by rescuing our kids from what we thought was a tornado, we realized it actually wasn't after sitting in the tub for half an hour.
Oli started Pre-K and is loving it. He is definitely a clever boy and is doing so well. He can write his name and loves science and reading. He is the best big brother to JJ and Eli, I'm really lucky to have him. My favourite part of the day is picking Oli up from school, as soon as he gets in the car he gives his brothers a kiss and tells them he missed them.
JJ has been having a hard time these past few months. On top of being two (not my favourite age) and having a vivacious personality he is having some behavioural and emotional difficulties. Right now it is hard to diagnose exactly but we do know for sure he has a lot of sensory issues and may be struggling with some kind of sensory disorder (google sensory integration disorder, it's too much for me to explain here). But, now that we know this we are finding better ways to help him and it is getting a lot better. Some days are still really hard, but we're getting there. This will most likely be something he has to deal with his whole life, but on what level we just don't know. JJ is such a sweet and loving person, we love him so much. I've had many emotional days recently because I'm so worried about him.
Eli is now 6 months and just cut his first two teeth! I don't know how this has happened. Time has gone too fast and I'm getting sad and wishing he could just stop growing for a while. He is the loveliest person you will ever meet.
Also, we moved! I'm sad to see the Blue house go, but we love our new place. It's just a few blocks away, has 3 bedrooms and wood floors. Eli finally gets to be in his crib instead of in with us! Moving is never fun, and it has taken it's toll on JJ, but it's nice to have some more space.
So for the last 6 months I've missed I'll get some updates in soon!
So here's that blog post I started 6 months ago, there'll be lots more to come!
August 2012
These last few months have been crazy, to say the least. Tim successfully proposed his thesis on cyberbullying, I'll post the title later, it's long. And he had his work accepted into a conference in Chicago (which we're both flying to in November), AND he submitted a chapter for a book on cyberbulling that was accepted. After December you can call him "Master Tim." I'm really proud of him, he's been working really hard. Being in school and having kids is not easy, but we're getting there.
We've had a really fun rest of the summer with some crazy things happening and sad things too. We got the boys a pool to go in the back garden and they LOVED it, I don't know why we didn't get one sooner!
We also had our trampoline ruined in a crazy Lubbock storm. The wind was so intense it bent the tramp in half. I am still in awe when I look at this picture. Tim also showed his heroics by rescuing our kids from what we thought was a tornado, we realized it actually wasn't after sitting in the tub for half an hour.
Oli started Pre-K and is loving it. He is definitely a clever boy and is doing so well. He can write his name and loves science and reading. He is the best big brother to JJ and Eli, I'm really lucky to have him. My favourite part of the day is picking Oli up from school, as soon as he gets in the car he gives his brothers a kiss and tells them he missed them.
JJ has been having a hard time these past few months. On top of being two (not my favourite age) and having a vivacious personality he is having some behavioural and emotional difficulties. Right now it is hard to diagnose exactly but we do know for sure he has a lot of sensory issues and may be struggling with some kind of sensory disorder (google sensory integration disorder, it's too much for me to explain here). But, now that we know this we are finding better ways to help him and it is getting a lot better. Some days are still really hard, but we're getting there. This will most likely be something he has to deal with his whole life, but on what level we just don't know. JJ is such a sweet and loving person, we love him so much. I've had many emotional days recently because I'm so worried about him.
Eli is now 6 months and just cut his first two teeth! I don't know how this has happened. Time has gone too fast and I'm getting sad and wishing he could just stop growing for a while. He is the loveliest person you will ever meet.
So for the last 6 months I've missed I'll get some updates in soon!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The worst day ever.....
I may have been known to overreact once or twice, but as days go, this one was pretty bad.
Strike 1: Fleas
Tim has a really stressful day because he's proposing his thesis tomorrow, but I convince him to come look at a rental property with me first, and then I'll take him to school. We're looking for a 3-bedroom house in our neighborhood. The last one we looked at was covered in beer bottles and was pretty dirty, but at least, I thought, it could only go up from there, I was wrong. Me and Oli followed the realtor into probably the filthiest place I've ever seen, the stench was overwhelming and it was soooo gross. To be polite I followed her to the next room, I should have just walked out the door as soon as I stepped inside. Suddenly she yells "get out and take your baby" but it's too late, we're covered in fleas. I am so unbelievably mad I don't know what to do. I try and get them off my feet, poor Oli is wearing flip flops and those little buggers pinch. Tim gets out and tries to help but we don't want to get any on him. We do our best, say goodbye and race home, trying to get as little as possible on our car. We strip down in the back yard and hang our clothes on the fence, I am SO itchy, it's horrid. Shower, change clothes. There's still a few fleas on the car seats, I'm so furious. Drop Tim off at school very late and go to the car vac. Great start to the day.
Strike 2: Power is on the fritz.
Over the weekend some power blowout or something caused all of the power in Lubbock to go down for several hours. For the next few days none of the water in Lubbock was safe to drink and we had to boil it before using it. This also meant a lot of restaurants were without power and not able to serve food/cold drinks. No biggie. Everything seemed to be up and working until yesterday afternoon when everything electrical in our house started tripping out. The dishwasher was going psycho and the fridge kept making weird noises. The lights kept dimming and brightening and the AC kept turning on and off. I unplugged all our electronics and went out to walk around the mall. Of course every single traffic light was out on the way there! A good time at the mall with friends (after a few tantrums from JJ and a dropped ice cream) and we go to pick up Tim.
Strike 3: No AC or Jimmy Johns
When we get home it is HOT. The AC never turned back on and appears to not be working anymore. Of course the guy can't possibly come out to look at it until tomorrow, of course. This would not be that big a deal except that we live in Lubbock, and it's 100 degrees and its July, so it is! I've had it. I'm heading to Jimmy Johns with some friends and the kids whilst Tim tries to figure out the AC. We get to Jimmy Johns "I'm sorry ma'am we're not serving food right now" oh their power is out too, nooooooo! So we head somewhere else. I'm not very good company, today has been awful and I'm feeling sorry for myself.
It's Tuesday morning and I'm at home with the 3 boys waiting for the AC guy. Tim is about to propose his thesis to his committee on campus. If they give him the go ahead he can get it over with and hopefully defend it in 4 weeks and then he'll be done with his masters. He deserves it, he's worked his tail off. I'm hoping today is a better day.
Strike 1: Fleas
Tim has a really stressful day because he's proposing his thesis tomorrow, but I convince him to come look at a rental property with me first, and then I'll take him to school. We're looking for a 3-bedroom house in our neighborhood. The last one we looked at was covered in beer bottles and was pretty dirty, but at least, I thought, it could only go up from there, I was wrong. Me and Oli followed the realtor into probably the filthiest place I've ever seen, the stench was overwhelming and it was soooo gross. To be polite I followed her to the next room, I should have just walked out the door as soon as I stepped inside. Suddenly she yells "get out and take your baby" but it's too late, we're covered in fleas. I am so unbelievably mad I don't know what to do. I try and get them off my feet, poor Oli is wearing flip flops and those little buggers pinch. Tim gets out and tries to help but we don't want to get any on him. We do our best, say goodbye and race home, trying to get as little as possible on our car. We strip down in the back yard and hang our clothes on the fence, I am SO itchy, it's horrid. Shower, change clothes. There's still a few fleas on the car seats, I'm so furious. Drop Tim off at school very late and go to the car vac. Great start to the day.
Strike 2: Power is on the fritz.
Over the weekend some power blowout or something caused all of the power in Lubbock to go down for several hours. For the next few days none of the water in Lubbock was safe to drink and we had to boil it before using it. This also meant a lot of restaurants were without power and not able to serve food/cold drinks. No biggie. Everything seemed to be up and working until yesterday afternoon when everything electrical in our house started tripping out. The dishwasher was going psycho and the fridge kept making weird noises. The lights kept dimming and brightening and the AC kept turning on and off. I unplugged all our electronics and went out to walk around the mall. Of course every single traffic light was out on the way there! A good time at the mall with friends (after a few tantrums from JJ and a dropped ice cream) and we go to pick up Tim.
Strike 3: No AC or Jimmy Johns
When we get home it is HOT. The AC never turned back on and appears to not be working anymore. Of course the guy can't possibly come out to look at it until tomorrow, of course. This would not be that big a deal except that we live in Lubbock, and it's 100 degrees and its July, so it is! I've had it. I'm heading to Jimmy Johns with some friends and the kids whilst Tim tries to figure out the AC. We get to Jimmy Johns "I'm sorry ma'am we're not serving food right now" oh their power is out too, nooooooo! So we head somewhere else. I'm not very good company, today has been awful and I'm feeling sorry for myself.
It's Tuesday morning and I'm at home with the 3 boys waiting for the AC guy. Tim is about to propose his thesis to his committee on campus. If they give him the go ahead he can get it over with and hopefully defend it in 4 weeks and then he'll be done with his masters. He deserves it, he's worked his tail off. I'm hoping today is a better day.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The O Bros
My little baby is 4 months old!! How did this happen? Every time I look at him he's bigger and I just want him to stay tiny.
4 month stats:
Height: 25 inches- 60th
Weight: 14 pounds 5 ounces-40th
Any body that knows Eli knows he is the happiest, calmest, loveliest baby that there ever was. This cute boy smiles at me and snuggles me all day, I don't think I could be happier. Eli, here's what we know about you so far:
I feel like I'm always talking about Eli, so here's a quick update on the big boys.
JJ
Poor JJ is definitely having some middle child syndrome going on, mixed with being a 2-year old, mixed with his fiesty personality, he can't seem to catch a break at the moment. However, when he's not being Mr. 2-year old and throwing a tantrum, he is a very lovely person. JJ is definitely the playboy of the family. I can tell he's going to be sporty, fun, confident and cause lots of trouble with the ladies. JJ is always game for pretty much anything, when Oli hangs back, JJ goes for it, we love that about him. And another thing, JJ is gorgeous....when he's not doing the crying face (which he likes to do a lot). Some days I am just in despair because I don't know what to do about his behaviour, but it doesn't mean I love him any less, I just hope he grows out of it soon! JJ has a lot of love for his brothers. He smothers Eli with hugs and kisses and loves to wrestle and hang out by Oli. JJ also loves to sing, and knows a lot of action songs which he prefers to sing in the car and at bedtime. He is now in his big boy bed and we hope to be potty training soon!
Oli
Oliver talks ALL THE TIME. He is constantly asking me questions about every possible subject, I don't know how his mind has time and space to come up with all this stuff, but he does! Oli is smart, he loves to learn. He is going to be a marine biologist or a bug-guy. He loves all animals and is fascinated by them, especially sharks, bugs and dinosaurs. He can be shy. He does not like to try new foods or go to unfamiliar places. Oliver can be very winy, and it drives me insane! He still loves his crab (yes, the big stuffed ugly yellow creature we bought when he was 6 months old). Oli is a bit of a geek, and is way into all the marvel comic superheros right now, that's his favourite, the old school superhero cartoons on netflix. Oli loves his younger brothers and really nurtures and takes care of them. He helps JJ out by telling me when JJ needs something and when he holds Eli he bounces him and says "its OK, Oli's here" it seriously brings tears to my eyes.
I look at pictures of my three boys and I have a lot of different emotions. I still can't believe they're all mine. I'm so grateful for them, I feel really lucky. I'm excited for them to grow up to see the kind of men they will be, but terrified for the process. I can picture how I want them to be but I want them to choose their own way. I will love them no matter what. I can't believe how different they all are. I didn't know I had the capacity to love anyone this much, let alone three times over.
I guess I need to remember all of this on the days where I'm going crazy!
4 month stats:
Height: 25 inches- 60th
Weight: 14 pounds 5 ounces-40th
Any body that knows Eli knows he is the happiest, calmest, loveliest baby that there ever was. This cute boy smiles at me and snuggles me all day, I don't think I could be happier. Eli, here's what we know about you so far:
- You love to smile and laugh
- You are starting to coo and baby babble (cutest sounds ever)
- You are really patient with your brothers, who bug you constantly, but I can tell you love them because your eyes light up with they talk to you
- You like to sleep or sit with your hands clasped together
- You are probably the most chilled out person I've ever met
- You have a birth mark on the back of your head that we thought was a heat rash!
- You are the only person I know that has two totally different ears
Ear 1 (cute and small)
Ear 2 (big and sticks out!)
JJ
Poor JJ is definitely having some middle child syndrome going on, mixed with being a 2-year old, mixed with his fiesty personality, he can't seem to catch a break at the moment. However, when he's not being Mr. 2-year old and throwing a tantrum, he is a very lovely person. JJ is definitely the playboy of the family. I can tell he's going to be sporty, fun, confident and cause lots of trouble with the ladies. JJ is always game for pretty much anything, when Oli hangs back, JJ goes for it, we love that about him. And another thing, JJ is gorgeous....when he's not doing the crying face (which he likes to do a lot). Some days I am just in despair because I don't know what to do about his behaviour, but it doesn't mean I love him any less, I just hope he grows out of it soon! JJ has a lot of love for his brothers. He smothers Eli with hugs and kisses and loves to wrestle and hang out by Oli. JJ also loves to sing, and knows a lot of action songs which he prefers to sing in the car and at bedtime. He is now in his big boy bed and we hope to be potty training soon!
The lovely boy
And the rest of the time!
Oli
Oliver talks ALL THE TIME. He is constantly asking me questions about every possible subject, I don't know how his mind has time and space to come up with all this stuff, but he does! Oli is smart, he loves to learn. He is going to be a marine biologist or a bug-guy. He loves all animals and is fascinated by them, especially sharks, bugs and dinosaurs. He can be shy. He does not like to try new foods or go to unfamiliar places. Oliver can be very winy, and it drives me insane! He still loves his crab (yes, the big stuffed ugly yellow creature we bought when he was 6 months old). Oli is a bit of a geek, and is way into all the marvel comic superheros right now, that's his favourite, the old school superhero cartoons on netflix. Oli loves his younger brothers and really nurtures and takes care of them. He helps JJ out by telling me when JJ needs something and when he holds Eli he bounces him and says "its OK, Oli's here" it seriously brings tears to my eyes.
Goofball
I guess I need to remember all of this on the days where I'm going crazy!
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