I read something tonight that fueled the idea for my next blog. A mum on facebook was asking for advice about weaning her 6 month old. Loads of friends gave a bunch of different words of advice and encouragement. One ruffled my feathers a little. It was along the lines of: "I fed my child a variety of foods since they were young so now they love to eat all their fruits and vegetables." That's great I thought....for you. So for those of us who find it difficult to get their 2 year old to consume anything remotely green, we feel like failures. Which got me to thinking, everyone is always going on about the "correct" way of doing things. No more than two hours of TV, make sure they eat this many foods from this many food groups, if you don't breastfeed for 6 months there's something wrong with you, your child is two and he doesn't know his ABC's??, your 3 year old is still not potty trained, that child is really too old to have a dummy/pacifier, oh and my personal favourite: if you had an epidural you didn't really suffer during labour.
There's some really strict rules like: no cows milk until 12 months. So does that mean if you give your child who is 11 months and 29 days milk he will be sick, but somehow a day later he'll be fine???
When we achieve something we feel great, but if somehow we fall a little bit short we punish ourselves, too much. Honestly some days it is just about survival, getting through that day, and then I'll get to the next one. We put too much pressure on ourselves to have the perfect scrapbook, to be the perfect parent who never raises their voice. It's unrealistic to expect your two year old to stop doing something right away the first time you tell them no, it's going to take a few tries. It's not realistic to imagine that we can live up to the world's really high standard of what the "perfect child" should be like. So mom, go get a pedicure and give yourself some credit...you are doing an amazing job.
I love this Alyce! I think there are too many people ready and willing to dish out advice, who sometimes don't have a clue what they are talking about! My favourite example is when I was in labour with Zac. I had a really 'earth mother' type midwife who kept trying to tell me what to do; til I asked how many kids she had herself; when she replied two, I snapped back 'Well this is my forth and I know what I am doing!' I delivered a 9lb 6oz baby, back to back, with his hand on his chin, on a birthing stool, with no stitches at all- something that a midwife trainee friend tells me is a very difficult feat! Shame she had gone off shift by then! Seems I may have been guided a little more by my natural instinct than her carefully researched 'by the book' methods!
ReplyDeleteNice one for writing this article and making us all feel better! xx
I totally agree with this post...somehow humanity survived before there were all the "rules" to follow, so I think we're ok. Back in the day moms just went by instinct, and I think that's how we should still do it today...if you feel like you want to or not to follow a specific rule or piece of advice, it's your right as a mother to do so. As a mom you know your kids better than anyone else on the planet, so you are the best person to make decisions about how to raise them. Good for you to discover this so early on!!
ReplyDeleteAt 3 1/2, Noah will only eat vegetables in baby food form, and usually then only when I sneak them into his pasta. I have tried everything, and this seems to be the only answer. He is just not an eater. I watch other kids scarf down their broccoli and I try not to blame myself, but it's hard.
ReplyDeleteBut that's not what I get the most abuse from other moms for -- I get abuse ALL THE TIME for letting him into our bed.
I talk to other moms from other cultures, and I've found that bed-sharing is actually really common everywhere but in the developed Western world. I choose to listen to those friends :) I look at what a happy and secure 3 1/2 year old he is and I think, am I really doing something wrong here???
You're right, Al, moms ARE too hard on each other, but I think we're also hard on ourselves. We have to let ourselves off the hook when our parenting doesn't seem to run as smoothly as it seems to in other families, or in all those useless manuals.
After all, these are people -- little people with all the idiosyncracies people have, not robots that can be programmed! Being a mom is HARD WORK, and there are no vacation days or nights off. Every day that we get through with healthy happy kids is a good day!!!
The epidural one is my personal favorite too. Especially when women who had a four hour labor compare themselves to those of us who have 18 hour labors. I could have done it if my labor was that short too!! In fact, with Charlie, I didn't get my epidural for 10 hours...only cause I didn't know I COULD get it whenever I wanted. But still!
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree that people need to stop comparing parenting strategies. Each child is 100% different and so are Moms! So we are obviously going to do things differently!
Your blog is a breath of fresh air:)
LOVE it!
ReplyDeleteYou know I think today's society is too full of critics dishing everything out except compassion. Motherhood is an adventure and what works for one doesn't work for another. I think the best thing mothers can give each other is compassion and a listening ear.
We should appreciate our differences and embrace our similarities:)